Well, where ever this finds you today I hope it's good. It's been awhile since I've posted and I really have no good reason. So many things have popped in my head the past month and I couldn't bring myself to share. But that's why I'm going to share this...
Do you have a fear? [this is where every single one of you should reply with a yes. Don't worry your secret is safe with me.]
fear
ˈfir/
noun
- 1.an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat."drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder"
That my friends is the copy and pasted version of googles definition of 'fear'. We can all relate to this in one way or another. If you feel brave, share what your fears are. I have many fears. Phobias if you will. Fears that are full blown anxieties.
The fear of rejection for example. Now, you could argue that that's a pretty fair trepidation. Everyone wants to be liked and being rejected quite frankly sucks. Most people, and I say that loosely because I don't honestly know for a fact if 'most' people actually do this, but, they move on from being rejected almost instantly or they don't put much thought into their encounters with the outside world.
For me it ranges from 'stranger to best of friends'. Strangers, like the cashier at Target not laughing at my, admittedly, dumb joke, sends me into an anxiety ridden car ride home. Or the acquaintance you see every so often, who you can't seem to stop bringing up how much your kid likes cheese because you're too scared to say anything meaningful, leaves you regretting not getting to know them better and fearing they don't want to get to know you.
Then, even with an extremely close friend you long to just be honest and say 'my heart is hard and sad, I need someone to help me' but you can't trust them enough to let your guard down because you would rather go at it alone than to be rejected by them. So you smile on, you give out another lame joke to lighten the mood, and keep yet another person at arms distance.
Loss is also a great fear. I wake up every morning fearing that Bentley died in the middle of the night. Or he's unconscious because somehow I didn't know he has an illness that came up over night. I play in my head that Cole gets into a car accident on his way home from work and all of a sudden I can't breath. I dread phone calls because of the horrifying news that might come of someone I love not coming home. The list is long.
That's me. It's probably you too. It seemed to get worse as I grew up and now being a mom. Wondering if you're going to make friends in new friends, stressing if the lady next to you thinks you're being a good mom, being unable to sleep for fear you have an unwanted guest in your house, and the worst, Terrified that your loved ones have been taken from you.
Satan wants to steal our joy. He wants us feeling alone and broken. That's when we are most vulnerable. He has snatched me up so many times and it's not pretty. He assists me in destroying everything in my path. It feels good. He plays the role of what I long for most so I do anything for it. But then something happens. That tug. You know the one I'm talking about? The one that could almost be described as someone litterally trying to pull you away from the wreckage. Thank God, litterally, that HE does pull me back. That's where I'm standing today. Fighting back and clawing my way to good.
The past, I dunno, four-ish years of my life have been really hard. Not bad. Just hard. I have been so incredibly scared. All the time. Im tired and I'm asking God to pick me up. Maybe you're tired too. Ask him too. This is not a 'I've overcome my fears and I'm going to give you wisdom on how' type of post because I'm not there. It honestly is just MY first step in chipping away at my fear and showing truth. This is me. I'm a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and I'm scared.
Isiah41:10 says 'fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'
Today I'm thankful for this promise and I'm looking forward to the journey of healing.
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