When Fear Leads

Good morning! Or maybe good afternoon or even good evening.

 Well, where ever this finds you today I hope it's good. It's been awhile since I've posted and I really have no good reason. So many things have popped in my head the past month and I couldn't bring myself to share. But that's why I'm going to share this...

   Do you have a fear? [this is where every single one of you should reply with a yes. Don't worry your secret is safe with me.] 

fear

ˈfir/

noun

noun: fear; plural noun: fears

1. 1.

   an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

   "drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder"

   synonyms:

   terror, fright, fearfulness,horror, alarm, panic, agitation,trepidation, dread,consternation, dismay,distress; More

That my friends is the copy and pasted version of googles definition of 'fear'. We can all relate to this in one way or another. If you feel brave, share what your fears are. I have many fears. Phobias if you will. Fears that are full blown anxieties.

   The fear of rejection for example. Now, you could argue that that's a pretty fair trepidation. Everyone wants to be liked and being rejected quite frankly sucks. Most people, and I say that loosely because I don't honestly know for a fact if 'most' people actually do this, but, they move on from being rejected almost instantly or they don't put much thought into their encounters with the outside world. 

  For me it ranges from 'stranger to best of friends'. Strangers, like the cashier at Target not laughing at my, admittedly, dumb joke, sends me into an anxiety ridden car ride home. Or the acquaintance you see every so often, who you can't seem to stop bringing up how much your kid likes cheese because you're too scared to say anything meaningful, leaves you regretting not getting to know them better and fearing they don't want to get to know you.

Then, even with an extremely close friend you long to just be honest and say 'my heart is hard and sad, I need someone to help me' but you can't trust them enough to let your guard down because you would rather go at it alone than to be rejected by them. So you smile on, you give out another lame joke to lighten the mood, and keep yet another person at arms distance.

   Loss is also a great fear. I wake up every morning fearing that Bentley died in the middle of the night. Or he's unconscious because somehow I didn't know he has an illness that came up over night. I play in my head that Cole gets into a car accident on his way home from work and all of a sudden I can't breath. I dread phone calls because of the horrifying news that might come of someone I love not coming home. The list is long. 

  That's me. It's probably you too. It seemed to get worse as I grew up and now being a mom. Wondering if you're going to make friends in new friends, stressing if the lady next to you thinks you're being a good mom, being unable to sleep for fear you have an unwanted guest in your house, and the worst, Terrified that your loved ones have been taken from you. 

   Satan wants to steal our joy. He wants us feeling alone and broken. That's when we are most vulnerable. He has snatched me up so many times and it's not pretty. He assists me in destroying everything in my path. It feels good. He plays the role of what I long for most so I do anything for it. But then something happens. That tug. You know the one I'm talking about? The one that could almost be described as someone litterally trying to pull you away from the wreckage. Thank God, litterally, that HE does pull me back. That's where I'm standing today. Fighting back and clawing my way to good. 

The past, I dunno, four-ish years of my life have been really hard. Not bad. Just hard. I have been so incredibly scared. All  the time. Im tired and I'm asking God to pick me up. Maybe you're tired too. Ask him too. This is not a 'I've overcome my fears and I'm going to give you wisdom on how' type of post because I'm not there. It honestly is just MY first step in chipping away at my fear and showing truth. This is me. I'm a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and I'm scared.

    Isiah41:10 says 'fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.'

    Today I'm thankful for this promise and I'm looking forward to the journey of healing.

The Pinecone, the Rock, and the Tree

Our story begins on a quiet street with a cool breeze rustling what's left of the browning leaves, the sun shine peaking through a light cloud of smoke, and a mother and her son walking hand in hand. 

As you probably guessed this story is about Bentley and me. You're pretty clever. Nothing gets past you.

Moving along, I'd like to actually take you back a day and a half. The day I started on my journey of memory lane, remembering what it was like to be vomiting for what seems to be no apparent reason. This time was unlike any pregnancy symptoms [trust me people, when I know you'll know ok so just be patient and if that day comes we can all party together.] no no this time was just a good old fashioned food poisoning. Or so I think. Could've been a bug but either way....you're vomiting and hating anything and everything. 

Ok...can we just take a moment and appreciate how AWFUL that sickness is. Out of them all I have to say id rather be a stuffed up, coughing, achey mess than to be surrendering at the foot of 'the John'. Am I right? Yuk. 

Anywho, bada-bing-bada-boom I'm here hanging my head over the porcelain thrown and all that's running through my head is 'THIS IS THE END' 'I will never eat again' and 'I would surgically remove my stomach myself if I could stop throwing up for 2 minutes'. All of a sudden everything becomes irrational and dramatic. One more thing had popped in my head and it's been weighing on my mind ever since. 'I never want to be pregnant again'. In that moment it was hard and true. NEVER again will I put myself in a position to do this again. When I was, finally, coming up for air more often than not I had an awful feeling in my gut and not the kind that was causing me such turmoil moments prior. I was no stranger to the ole 'Lou' when it came to sickness. From about week 6 to... Week 30 I was litterally suffering from 'morning sickness' when I was pregnant. So over half of my pregnancy was committed to sleeping on bathroom floors and ER trips. This was two years ago now, I quiet honestly had forgotten the feeling and have been dreaming of babies and feeling like maybe this could be time to start a new adventure by adding another little human in our life. But as I'm huddled on the bathroom floor like I spent most of my days only two years ago, I felt so sad that I couldn't bare the thought of this being my life again. So as the night went on and I eventually decided I better go into the ER for fluids, I pondered this over and over again. 

When the vomiting ceased and the rational thinker and less dramatic....HAHAHA that's not a thing....me, came closer to the surface, I started to think of how dumb I had been. I searched for my baby boy who I felt like I hadn't seen in weeks! And just held him. I felt his warm silky cheek on mine, his tiny hand on mine, his sweet scent wafting into my nose making the most sickly feeling vanish in an instant. WHY WOULDN'T I do that again?

Which brings me back to today. Fresh air needed by me, mommy son time definitely was a must, we gathered ourselves and started out the door. 

His tiny fingers clutching mine, we walk in silence mostly, just watching leaves skip across the road and admiring neighbors decorations. Then he kicks a Pinecone, and just like that we are playing a game. I kick it, he kicks it, he bends down to grab it and throws it, and then I do the same. His giggle fills the calm and all I can see is his smile. As any toddler game it's short lived and his mind wonders off. Then he takes off running and I tell him we are going to race. An advantage for me as I'm still queasy is my one step equals his hurried toddle [hands waving and knees high]. We squeal and laugh to the corner of the street and he held my hand once again. Content with the simplicity of just being there. We round the next corner and start up the drive way when another treasure is found. A ROCK. Not just any old rock. But the squareish rock of the thousands of rocks in the driveway. He picks it up with his chubby fingers, runs up the drive way and throws it. An eruption of laughter again. How is he this happy? What's with boys and rocks? But his giddiness overrides the questions and I watch his joy become mine. We make our way to the back yard where he then runs around and finds one of the many trees that fits his fancy. Small and meek compared to this tall sturdy tree. He picks at it's bark. Fascinated at the flakes crumbling in his hands. He moves on. After lots of car rides and baseballs hit, we make our way inside so mommy doesn't keel over and continue our relaxing routine inside. 

So many times I find myself saying to myself 'live in the moment' 'cherish this time' 'he will only be this age once' and rarely do I take mine and a lot of trusted family and friends advice. 

Granted, the beauty of food poisoning is bleak, but what I mean is I didn't take a chance to appreciate that I made it through it. I made it through my hyperemisis and I made a HUMAN while doing it. That's pretty cool. I felt like I was cheating any baby I may have in the future of feeling wanted and appreciated because I am 'living in the moment' of the negative. The bad stuff doesn't last forever. If anything it makes it much more worth it. Especially, if you take a moment to notice the pinecones, the rocks, and the trees. 

It's All About 'the Climb'

Thank God it's Friday, amen? 

This post is coming to you early than I anticipated for two reasons.

For one...I mentioned I like to talk, but I can be obnoxious with it so I was trying to refrain to posting maybe once a week. Gods in control however and I get a feeling someone's in need of a virtual giggle. 

Second reason...the subject in itself I was not planning to go here in parenting for at LEAST another...is never an option? No? Okay my higher ups say that toddler transitions are regrettably unavoidable so let's just say I was hoping for at least another 6 months or so. 

'Get on with it Tori we are dyyyying with curiosity to hear about what could possibly be going on in your life right now.'

Okay here's your fair warning that it's probably not that exciting nor blog worthy but, hey, we are here already. 

Now, if you know my sweet Bentley, you would know that he does everything at warp speed. I do mean everything. Not to be confused with he does things before any other kid his age, there's no room for comparing around here. Unless you're saying my baby is the best, then please, don't be shy. 😉 Ok, you still with me? Bias aside, I think he is pretty intelegent. Unknowing where it originated from, but he somehow came to be pretty bright. So from birth he has had a habit of testing a 'skill' out, such as holding his head up, rolling over, walking, once or twice and then stopping almost immediately for a long[ish] period of time. Walking,for example, he took his first steps around 8 and a half months! 

'YAY Bentley! Our child will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for walking before any other baby EVER'...yes we are first time parents give us a break. 

But then he just stopped. We would try to get him to do it for people and practice and nothing. Eventually it did turn into more test drives while he thought no one was looking and holding one hand of whoever could stand better than he could--he took out a toddler or two. Whoops.-- He had a look about him however that read 'I'm going to figure out the technique first while watching then I'll do this thing they call walking'. So he gave us a few previews, then a week after his first birthday he just took off making laps around the house and didn't miss a step. That's our Bentley. Cautious yet daring.

Okay cool story Tori but, what does that have to do with anything. Well, I will tell you, a couple weeks ago I saw Bentley swing his leg over the side of his crib while I was trying to put him to bed, and I got wide eyed just watching to see what he would do, ready to catch any flying body parts if need be. So like any other time, he put his leg back on his side of the crib and got 'the look'. 

'Crap', I thought. So after his sleepy eyes gave up and my ninja like exit was perfectly executed I went to Cole and told him the tale of Bentley's new trick. Being a 'present' dad, he knew too that this was not a good sign. But all we could do was wait. Wait for the fateful day that our fearless little man would make his first escape out of his preceived jail cell. 

For a side note, our new house has all tile floors. I was fortunate enough to be the first one to fall on this beautiful floor and let me tell you, it felt like a pillow from hell. So you can imagine the scary thought of a one and a half year old falling on this said floor. The blood, fear, and the ambulance ride is already playing vividly in my fellow mothers' heads just like it is in mine. It's a thing. Unavoidable. We worry.

So here I am today. Home alone for the 7th day feeling like a MILSO warrior that could take on Voldemort himself if faced with him. --haha yep she's that girl-- 

It's no Chamber of Secrets but my battle with nap time and Bentley just is never a fun one. Today I thought he had fallen asleep like he had been all week. Peacefully, deeply, and gracefully. HA! 

30 minutes into 'Live! With Kelly and Michael' I hear a really loud whining and a knocking on a door. [thankfully it was this and not blood curdling scream] 

'Craaaaaap. Either my worse nightmare has come true and some mad man is in my sons room and knocking on his door to warn me I should go in there...or Bentley's climb has finally happened.' Alas, it was indeed the climb. You might ask 'Tori. How do you know he thought this through? Maybe he's just winging it.' Very good question my friend, very good question indeed. How I know for a fact, is what I found in his room was unmistakable evidence. He had thrown all his treasures from his crib [pillows, blankets, teddy bears, what have you] on to the floor in a pile just in front of his crib as for a safer landing. 'Good Grief'.

So it's happened. We are here. Thankfully without blood, fear, or ambulance rides today. But. I do fear that this won't be the last Bentley adventure that has me pacing the floor. Haha the question is...now what? I'm still trying to figure out how we went from bassinet to jail breaks in such short of time... I am ill prepared. Do we change his bed? Do we add carpet to our floor? Do we just put him in a bubble? Parenting, ladies and gents...

With that funny story --in my most humble opinion-- I think there is still a lesson to be learned. Ooooh the lesson. Here goes. God thankfully gave me a boy. An adventurous, Loving, silly, thrill seeking, BOY. I like things done on 'Tori time'. It's a problem. Control control control. In a year and a half God has chiped away at me, trying to set me free of this burden, by giving me a boy. Not just any boy. This boy. Transitions are fast and recovery time is short if any at all. So you can imagine my whiplash-like reactions when I think he needs to sloooow dooowwn. 'IM NOT READY!' I know I'm not alone in this, I am sure there are plenty of moms that also have their fair share of 'wait when did you learn that?' moments. I don't know about you but, I have a lot of learning and chipping to do STILL and as you may very well know motherhood is an uphill climb. It does not get easier. It has it's glorious changes like, sleeping for longer periods of time and getting your body back after feeling like a milk cow for so long, but the lack of control does not, however, get easier. We claw and scratch our way up just trying to survive sometimes.  So as I learn to let God lead me and watching my baby turn into a boy, I,  like Bentley, am learning 'how to'.Taking a step back and looking at what I have to learn, to be brave enough to take those steps or dive over the edge and have the faith that it'll be ok. I can sit there and analyze it all so as not to make a mistake, but eventually I have to take that chance and let go. 

You Learn as you Go

Hi there!

Here it is. My first blog post. 
If you're browsing through I want to thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. 
I figured I should start off with something about me. Before things get too weird and personal. Hang on tight everyone. My name is Tori, I am married to my very inconsistent, but none the less high school sweetheart and love of my life, Cole, going on 3 years now, I am a mommy of one smart, funny, handsome toddler, Bentley, and we are a military family. My husband joined the military 4 months before we got married and life has been a whirlwind ever since. I grew up in a very small town in the Wet Mountain Valley in Colorado. My mom and dad raised my brother and me with the love of God in our hearts and a sense of humor in toe ...or in elbow rather? That was a weak joke. You catch my drift anyway. You could say I lived a sheltered life. Does 'where everyone knows your name' come to mind? Well you would be right. I was the one who was afraid to get in trouble, knowing I would know someone who would know someone who would know my parents who would know I knew I'd be in BIG trouble. So I stuck to drawing inside the lines.  Which leads me to my next point, I'm a perfectionist, and not in a funny way. I wish it was. That's a story for another time. Onward. Growing up I had a lot of dreams. None bigger than my longing to be a mom! I knew that until I had a mate to...well ya know... that dream would have to wait so after high school I did what any rule following, average, no-clue-what 

-in-the-world-I-wanted-to-do-with-my 

-life, 18 year old girl would do. I went to COLLEGE! Woooooo! Unfortunately that 'woooo' is exaggerated and I didn't fit in. I wanted something else. So I quit school after a year and persued my next love that had been a part of my life since before I was born-- ballroom dancing. It was a family business so why not take a shot I thought. That was also short lived for my on and off again, star crossed lover, Cole, rode in on his valiant steed with a pretty dimand ring in hand, and we rode off into the sunset and are living happily ever after. Ok...that last part is not a thing but if it was, there would be no need for blogs and then what would we housewives do with ourselves? Maybe get to that scrapbooking New Year's resolution endeavor that lasted...ok it never started. I digress. That will happen. You've been warned. Anywho. Back to the present, we just bought our first home, we just went through our first deployment, we live in the magical land of  Mary Esther, Florida, and for the first time in about 4 years I have nothing to report. No engagements, no weddings, no pregnancies, no relocations [for now], and no new big purchases. It's a relief. It will be short lived like most things I've been through but I am enjoying the simplicity.

Now, you might be wondering where this is going. Well, you and I would be of the same mind set because I'm not sure. I'm not a writer. I like to talk and I like to relate and be relatable. So here I am. Typing away, to probably myself. But that's ok. It might run into just an outlet to express what needs expressing in my life. The good bad and the ugly. I am going to let God lead and we will learn as we go. 

I want to thank you again if you've made it this far already with me. Thank you for choosing me to spend your free time with. Until next time.

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. (Psalm 139:4 ESV)